[Engine Roaring]
## [Car Radio: Reggae]
- [Phone Line Rings] - [Man] Hello?
It's dead out here, and I'm hating you about now.
- What kind of agent are you? - You'll find the road.
Kimberly, look, it's 4:00 a.m. In L.A. Can I go back to sleep?
I was up all night on the red-eye, and it wasn't first class like you promised.
- Give me credit for the car. Nice ride, huh? - Yeah, whatever.
By the way, these directions suck. This project sucks.
- K., it's a great opportunity. - It's a reality show pilot.
Hey you sang your way to the top seven the last time you were on TV.
Now you're the star. You're Kimberly fucking-Caldwell.
You're the only celebrity they've got.
If I'm such a celebrity, Tommy, get me a movie.
Look "Kimster," your Q score's gonna go way up, and you'll have a chance to win 90 grand.
- I thought it was a hundred. - Well, I get 10%, remember?
Wait. There's a turnoff.
- ## [Ends] - [Radio Clicks off]
[Tommy] Look, I've got power yoga in, like, two hours.
- Did you find it yet? - I don't know. There's some old paper mill here.
- But there's nothin' about it on the map. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gotta be it.
Look, "Kimbo," you can't afford to make a wrong turn here. You really don't have the time.
- Why am I here? - [Cell Line Cutting out] 'Cause this business is tough.
- You're breaking up. - Of all my clients, you're the one...
- Hello? Hello? - With the- factor here-[Line Drops, Beeping]
Fuck! [Screams, Gasps]
- [Tires Screeching] - [Grunts]
[Engine Idling, Stops]
[Gasping]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Don't be dead. Don't be dead.
[Breathing Deeply]
[Door opens, Closes]
Oh! [Gasps]
Help! Help!
- [Cell Phone Beeping] - Shit!
Anybody!
- [Groaning] - Don't worry. I'm gonna get you help, okay?
- [Coughing] - No! No, please! Please! No, don't die!
Come on! Breathe! Breathe!
- [Moaning, Gagging] - [Gurgling]
I'm here. I'm here.
- [Screaming] - [Masticating]
[Screaming]
[Whimpering, Sobbing]
[Bones Snapping]
[Whimpering, Crying]
[Drooling, Chortling]
- [Beep] - [Thunderclap]
[Male Announcer] It's the end of the world-
society in chaos, governments no longer in control.
The world has been devastated by a catastrophic disaster, but you're still alive.
Overnight, you've been thrust back into the Stone Age.
Modern conveniences are a thing of the past.
Would you have the guts to survive?
I am retired Marine Colonel Dale Murphy.
Welcome to The Apocalypse.
Over the next five days, these six contestants....
will be put to the ultimate test.
I'm gonna be the ultimate survivor....
because on my last show I learned more than anything what it takes to win.
[Man] So what's the tattoo?
It's the "infinity" sign, because I wanna be remembered forever.
My friends call me "Jonesy"....
but "Fearless" is my middle name.
- Ow! That sucked, dude. - [Video Roll Beeps]
I told you to shave that ride. Can we do that again?
Hi. I'm Elena.
I'm like a fox- sexy, sleek....
and I always get what I want.
Nina. I'm a survivor....
because I know there's only one person I can count on- myself.
I'm Jake. Three surgeries on my rotator cuff....
destroyed my shot at a pro football career-
but not my drive to win.
Amber. One tour of duty in Iraq. They call me "La Conquistadora."
Enough said. Semper fi.
These six contestants have been thrown together in a devastated wasteland....
with only the clothes on their backs.... and the will to survive.
Rain or shine, in five days, only one will remain.
- Welcome to The Apocalypse. - [Shell Incoming]
- [Switch Clicks] - Well, what do you think, man?
We spent all last night cutting it.
- Brando, eat your heart out. - You're the real deal, Dale.
- That's why the network loves you. - [Door opens]
- It rocks, M. - Damn straight.
- [Door Closes] - We're goin' to series for sure.
[Beeping]
Ah! Today's a good day to die. Where's my producer?
- It's brilliant, Michael. Really. - Thank you.
I still don't see what makes this show any different from that other survivor show.
I don't watch television.
It's supposed to take place at the end of the world. That's what makes it different.
You're not on some summer resort trying to make alliances.
You're trying to be the last man standing after the apocalypse.
- It's killer- Middle America family entertainment, mate. - Booyah.
- That's damn right. - I'm so there, dude.
- No. - I plan on being the last woman standing.
[Scoffs] Chill, "Ramba." The prize money's gonna be mine.
Oh, you two girls could mud wrestle for it.
- Be ratings gold. - Ew.
- You're stupid, man. - I am tappin' that.
Hey, it's the parrot heads. Nice shirts, boys.
Yeah, make fun all you want.
But while you Hollywood freaks are out here sleepin' on rocks....
us parrot heads will be in Margaritaville back at the hotel.
The woods are all wired up- 32 cameras and mikes ready to go.
Oh, you the man, Wojo. Just make sure everything's copacetic with Neil, okay?
Yeah. See ya in five days. Enjoy the great outdoors, Tarantino.
- Nice. - [Laughing]
I could help you spread it on all those hard-to-reach places.
If I hadn't seen you eat shit at the X Games last June, maybe you'd stand a chance.
Hey, I made the street comp finals.
Okay. Here's a clue. I only give it up to winners-
not guys who choke.
I'll give you something to choke on.
[Huffing]
- [Engine Starts] - I wish I had abs like yours.
I do 200 of these a day.
I guess I'll just stick to my low-carb diet and hope for the best.
- Mara, where the hell's Kimberly? - Still no answer.
Goddamn it. I knew that prima donna was a problem when we cast her.
Yeah, but she's got those Angelina Jolie lips.
You know what I'm talkin' about, don't you?
- Hello, papa. - It's gonna be a long five days.
We can't wait any longer. I gotta shoot, like, now.
You're the producer, Pop-Tart. That's why you make the big bucks.
- What are we gonna do? - Um, well, we can't recast.
- We're just gonna have to go with five. - Whoa, whoa. No, wrong.
You know the show II I have to do is shoot your character intro, and we're good to go.
- No, I don't think so. - What other choice do we have?
Um. [Chuckles] Okay, yeah. What the hell?
That's it! Show 'em what you're made of.
All right, boys and girls, listen up!
We have a half-mile hike to the survivalist camp.
Let's go! It's time to move out!
All right. Everybody grab your gear, and let's get going.
- This is it. - Hey, Michael.
You know I'm a complete geek without my BlackBerry and my cell.
There's a good chance I'll be the first to go.
Come on. Just change your clothes, put on some bug spray.
You'll be great, even without your "CrackBerry."
Okay. I'll do it for you.
- [Laughing] - But, um, now, Mara.
It's M. Now, not Michael.
- Yes, I know. Okay. Sorry. - Right.
God, who am I kidding?
- [Door Closes] - Okay. We're movin' out.
You're all alone out here, so let's close ranks and stick together.
- ## [Headphones: Loud Pop] - Hey, everyone's leavin'-
Hello? Hey. Everyone's leaving.
- What? - We're about to start the game. It's time to go.
Hi. I'm Jake. You're Nina, right?
Look, I'm just here for the money, not to make friends, okay?
Wow. Okay. Fair enough.
- ## [Continues] - Oh. Nina. Nina. [Claps Hands]
I saw you drop this while you were getting out of the RV.
- Now, M. Said, "No food." - Oh, well, I'm vegan.
That might be the only thing I can eat out here.
Well, you can always go chew on a tree. This is cheating.
- Sue me. Give it back. - Uh-uh.
I would have, but.... since there's no need to be makin' friends-
Mmm!
That's good. [Chuckles]
[Michael] All right, everybody. Ready?
And action, Dale.
You cannot survive the apocalypse alone.
So you make friendships, perform tasks together.
You figure out who you need to ride out the chaos and who's expendable.
Today, we're gonna split into three teams, go out and search for food.
The number each of you picked decides your teammate.
[Laughs] Number one all the way, baby!
[Chuckles] You and me, baby. All the way.
- [Dale] Who's got a number 2? - I did a number two back at the gas station.
- [Sighs] - Come on, dude. That was funny.
[Mock Gasp] Oh, sweet.
I guess you and me are a team. Hello?
All right, boys and girls, it's the end of the world...
and the odds are against you from the start.
Radiation poisoning is a reality.
That's why you're all wearing these.
Every day, you'll be given a radiation elimination card.
- And one of them is already contaminated. - [Device Clicking]
At the end of the day, the player holding the simulated radiated card is dead.
Don't worry. It just means you're disqualified.
But you have a chance to survive the day by giving your card to another player...
and surviving the radiation elimination.
It's a test of your personal will, your endurance and fate.
And in The Apocalypse, your fate can change- like that.
Wild animals, bacterial infection and post-apocalyptic crazies...
are all around you, waiting to take you down.
They're represented.... by these.
- We call them "Twists" of Fate. - [Mouthing Words]
They are survival challenges, and dozens of them...
are scattered all over the playing area.
You trigger the motion sensor, and you hear this-
[Loud, High-pitched Beeping]
- [Man Drooling, Chortling] - [Beeping Continues]
Instructions on the back explain your survival challenge.
Accomplish the challenge, and you earn the right....
to take your radiated card and give it to any player you choose....
and automatically survive the day.
We are going to assemble back here at 1800 hours and see who will perish in the chaos...
and who is one step closer to $100,000.
Good luck to all of you. Remember-
You have to work as a team to survive the game.
But only one of you can be the ultimate survivalist....
after the apocalypse.
- And cut! Nice work, Dale. [Grunts] - All right!
- I'm ready for my 15 minutes, Hollywood. - [Scattered Laughter]
Okay, everybody. [Coughs]
[Beeps]
Uh, the headsets are transmitting audio and video back to the edit bay, so-
- So don't take them off. - And, also, uh-
Cell phones and P.D.A.'s, etcetera- give 'em to Neil.
He's gonna put them in the RV.
- Have fun. I got to go take a wicked piss, mate. - Mm-hmm.
Okay. I'm gonna follow Elena and Jake first, as planned.
Uh, just remember, everybody- Let's make it feel real.
Okay.
- Hey. What's up? - I'm so gonna suck at this.
Why'd I let you talk me into it?
Mmm, because I'm irresistible?
- You're a jerk, you know? - Gotta go.
[Chuckles, Sniffles]
Colonel! W hat happens if we lose the elimination round?
We go back to the RV., and you drown your sorrows with me and Jack Daniel's....
- until the game is done. - Oh, that sounds like fun.
But don't worry, sweetness. I won't let you lose.
And if any of those pig-fuckin' hillbillies come around, I got your back.
Hey, bonehead! I grew up two counties from here!
I never had sex with a pig in my life!
You're not promotin' stereotypes, are you, son?
- [Silent Stammer] - Outstanding!
People in these parts might not take that talk too well! You might wanna put a lid on it!
- Is that all right with you, funnyman? - Ye-Yes, sir.
Uh- [Clears Throat] Th-Th-That's cool.
You guys got the whole "military bond" thing happenin'.
- Semper fi and shit. - Yeah.
And we both hate assholes.
Shit. The techies were supposed to finish setting these up before they left.
Put your producer hat away and get your head in the game.
I'll set these up. I got time to kill anyway.
Thank you. God, I wish I didn't have to do this.
Old Mikey really put you on the spot, didn't he?
I guess he thinks it'll be entertaining to send a city girl into the woods.
[Sighs] Cruel if you ask me, but don't worry.
There's something in you he doesn't see that I do.
You may be pretty, but you're tougher than you think.
- [Engine Starts] - You'll be all right.
So, "Neen," which way should we-
I guess we go that way.
[Beeping]
[Zipper Zips]
[Grunting, Choking]
If you eat fish, maybe we should head towards the river to find some food.
I'm vegan. I don't eat or use any animal products....
including the swimming kind.
Oh. Isn't your belt made of leather?
It's pleather. I'm not a hypocrite.
No, I didn't think that you were.
Being vegan is why you got picked to be on the show.
M. Thought there wouldn't be a lot for you to eat out here....
and you might have to resort to gulping down insect larva or something.
[Sighs]
It's the kind of thing America loves in its reality shows, right?
- America's sick. - Yeah.
I hate reality shows. They're pretty idiotic.
- Then why are you doing this? - Because it's my job.
It's M.'s first project, and I'm just trying to be supportive.
If I was his girlfriend, I would've said, "This sucks. You're on your own."
- Come on. No, you wouldn't. - Yeah, I would.
If you haven't noticed, I can be a bit of a bitch.
Well, if you hate reality shows, then why are you doing this?
Let's just keep going. We've gotta find some food.
[Beeps]
[Camera Whirring]
[Rustling In Distance]
[Hissing]
Fucking weekend warriors.
- [Branch Snaps] - [Sharp Thud]
You'd better stand down, or someone's gonna get hurt!
[Gasping]
[Whooping]
[Grunts]
[Drooling, Chortling]
[Grunts]
Broken arrow. That's really gonna help us hunt for food.
A spear. I like it. It's so long and hard.
[Laughing] I'm just goofin'.
Come on. L- I read your bio back in the R. V.
West Point, 4.0 average. You're brainy. That's tight.
I, uh, bet you're a reader. What's your favorite book? Huh?
I'm into Cat in the Hat myself.
You did the whole "tour of duty in Iraq" thing. That's cool.
I'm more of a pacifist myself, but, hey, I can get down with the patriotism.
- Woman in uniform's a turn-on. - Will you shut up?
- Oh. She talks. - Shh!
We've been hiking for three hours....
but we haven't seen or heard any animals or birds.
It's dead quiet out here.
It's freaky, right? It's like we're all alone.
We could get all nasty, and nobody'd see a thing- except for 30 million people.
Come on. You're into me, like, a little bit.
You just don't get it, do you? I'm not into men.
[Gasping] You-You're a lesbian?
How hot is that?
[Michael] All right. Let me just get it focused here.
And action.
So I'm at the two. I'm at the one.
I jump. I leap. Bam!
Shoulder was never the same.
Killed my chances at a pro career just like that.
[Scoffs] It's funny.
'Cause you never know when your life's gonna change.
Man, I wanted to be in the NFL so bad- since I was 6.
Oh, honey, I totally understand where you're coming from.
No. Dude, don't- Don't look in the lens. Look at-
So, um, then, after college, you just bounced around tryin' to find yourself?
Yeah, well, this opportunity came up, you know, to be on this TV show.
I can't throw a football no more, but I'm still athletic.
- Mm-hmm. - I figure I'll use the talents that God gave me, right?
Well, we'll have to thank God later.
Yeah, right. Thank God later.
You know, l- I think I hear the river this way. Yeah.
Come on.
God didn't give you a pair of balls?
[Footsteps]
[Mara] How about we take a break?
We have to find food. If we prove that we're the best at it....
then it's less likely anybody will give us their radiation card.
[Sighs] I haven't seen anything to eat.
- [Loud, High-pitched Beeping] - Ow! Holy shit!
It's one of those Twist of Fates. I set it off.
- [Nina] Where is it? - [Stops]
"You've been infected by anthrax from a nearby laboratory explosion.
An antidote can be found by the river. You have two minutes."
God, I would get this. Yeah, well, good luck. Go.
Hey, come and shoot. We need your footage.
[Panting]
- I think I see the river! - Where?
- What do you need now? - That!
[Female Electronic Voice] One minute remaining.
Forty-five seconds remaining.
Thirty seconds remaining.
[Screams, Gasping]
[Electronic Voice] Eight, seven...
- [Gasping] - Six, five....
four, three, two- [Beeps]
[Gasping] Got it.
Yes! [Whoops]
- I can't believe I did it. - You kicked ass!
[Out Of Breath]
Awesome.
All right, guys. One sec. Okay. Keep it loose.
- You ready? - Go.
Whew. It is hot out here. [Chuckles]
You know what? I think we can fish later.
We are rolling.
[Sighs, Chuckles]
I think I need to, uh, cool off.
So....
do you want to get, uh, wet?
- What are you doing? - M! What the fuck?
I am standing here giving it my all, and this jock is just... standing there!
- Cut! - Hey, what's goin' on, man?
Look, man, l- I want to create chemistry between you two.
Okay? You guys are, like, the sex of this thing.
Mm-hmm. You said you wanted a family reality show.
Well, sex is America's dirty little secret.
Huh? You can't talk about it at church, but at home, on TV....
people wanna see hard bodies wet and glistening in the sun.
If I do that, I have a mother and six nieces that will never speak to me again.
Look, man, people wanna be entertained.
Elena and I are just greasing the wheels a little.
- Greasin'the wheels. - Yeah.
Well, look, man, I'm here to play the game, okay?
Now you can go grease the wheels.
- You can try catching some fish. - [Mock Chuckle]
I'll see if I can find somethin' to eat in the woods.
"Grease the wheels." You two. What- I'll catch y'all later.
Catch y'all later.
Great. I wanted Diddy. I got a Boy Scout.
[Drooling, Chortling]
M., wait. We don't need Jake.
I'm all the sex that you want.
- You're hot, but it's not the same thing. - Hey, where are you going?
What, are you gonna go shoot your girlfriend?
No. Actually, I've gotta rethink the story lines.
Hey, listen, I'm doing this gig for, like, free....
and I want all the screen time that I can get.
And I know how to make sure that happens.
- Really? - [Zipper Unzips]
Oh.
Works for me.
[Elena Gulping]
[Gasping]
[Mara] You don't get it.
I'm, like, a complete spaz when it comes to anything even remotely athletic.
I'm sorry I didn't help.
You're just playing the game. I understand.
I just really need this money.
I'm not gonna give you my radiation card, if that's what you're worried about.
I'm just thrilled that I actually get to live another day.
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Nina] Motherfucker.
[Gasping]
- [Shudders] - Look, I know it hurts....
but you don't need a piece of shit like that in your life.
- You're better off without him. - [Crying]
- I thought he was the one. You know? - Yeah.
I've known scumbags like this all my life.
Six months ago, I caught my fiancé in bed with my best friend.
[Sighs] Really?
Top it off-
He used my credit cards to put me into major debt.
That's why I have to win this game.
The sooner you realize you can only depend on yourself....
the better off you'll be.
Come on.
Take a breath. Let's go down there and kick his ass.
[Crying, Laughing]
- Is that what you did to your fiancé? - Put him in the hospital.
Come on.
No. I'll just deal with it in my own way.
It's what he deserves.
- It's not me. - Come on.
No. I'm not like you. I don't want to be.
- I'm sorry. That came out wrong. - It's okay.
- [Loud Sigh] - Come on. Just tell me one hot experience that you had.
- Oh, God. - I can get you on Howard Stern if it's good.
- I got a buddy who works in the studio in New York. - You're such a moron.
Yeah, but we're on the same team here. You know, the same.... Team.
All right. All right, all right. I'll stop. I'll stop.
I swear. Cross my heart. No more sex talk.
From now on, you'll be the uptight lesbian sister I never had. Truce?
Oh. And now that we're family, tell me-Who went down on who first?
- ¡Pendejo! - I'm kidding. I'm just-
[Sniffing]
Is that barbecue?
Mission fuckin'-accomplished.
Wait. This is too easy. Maybe this is a trap to make us lose the game.
What trap? It's a hunter's camp, sister.
- What are you doing? - I'm starved, and, damn, that smells awesome.
If this is a real hunter's camp, we can't just steal his food.
Why the hell not? It's a "survival of the fittest" kind of thing. Finders, keepers.
You're a lesbian. Where are your cojones?
If we bring this back to share with the others, nobody's gonna want us out of the game.
- Ow! - What, it's hot?
[Sighs]
- Finally, we're a team. - Don't push your luck.
Mmm! Pork.
Man, these hillbillies really know their barbecue.
[Chopping]
[Chopping Stops]
[Growls]
[Chortling, Growling]
[Groaning]
[Drooling, Jeering]
[Chortling]
- [Nina] So what are you gonna do? - I'm getting outta here.
I'll call the techies to drive me back to Wheeling.
You're headed the wrong way. RV. And cell phones are back that way.
I can't get a signal from the RV.
- I'm just gonna call them from there. - Okay.
Besides, I really don't want to run into Michael at the trailer.
You're kidding. No, you're crazy.
- Okay. - Hello?
[Knocking]
Hello?
Uh, you can't just walk into somebody's house.
Hello?
I need to use your phone, please.
We shouldn't be here.
Then just wait for me outside.
I wanna make one phone call, and I'm gone.
Hello?
[Exhales] Ew.
Oh.
[Footsteps] All right. No phone, so-
[Inhales, Gasps]
Uh, we done yet?
[Gasping]
Holy shit.
The whole family's deformed.
God. Look at the twins.
- [Woman Screaming] - [Door opens]
- [Screaming Continues] - [Man] You'll be all right just don't worry.
Hold on. Don't drop her.
[Woman Screaming, Panting]
Get her over on the table.
[Muttering]
There! Y eah! Y eah!
Baby's comin'now. You stay here with Ma.
I'll go and fetch some water.
[Crying, Groaning]
[Girl Shushing]
[Loud Groaning]
[Chittering]
[Gasping, Crying]
[Chitters]
[Shrieks]
- [Both Gasping] - [Pounding]
The toolbox!
- [Pounding Continues] - Go! Go!
- It's locked! - What do we do now? - [Shrieking]
- Help me! - [Pounding Continues]
[Shouting]
[Both Screaming]
- [Gasps] - [Flies Buzzing]
[Retching]
There's light! There's light!
[Gasping]
- Push! - [Grunts]
- [Flies Buzzing] - [Grunts]
Uh!
Ma!
[Panting, Gasping]
[Man Grunting]
[Gasping, Whimpering]
[Screaming, Crying]
[Gasping]
[Sobbing, Gasping]
[Whimpering] Help me.
- Help me. - [Grunting]
[Object Drops]
[Grunting]
[Muttering]
[Sniffing]
[Twig Scrapes]
[Vehicle Horn Honks]
- [Horn Honking] - [Muttering]
[Engine Idling]
[Muttering] Fuck.
[Grunting, Shouting]
[Both Arguing]
[Gasping]
- Hey. You good? - I'm good.
Can we, uh, keep this as our secret?
I wouldn't wanna mess things up with Mara.
- You know, I think she's the one. - Whatever.
- [Person Gasping] - I'm headin' back to the RV. You comin'?
No. My job’s done.
Just gonna stay here and tan.
Tell Mara I say hi.
- You're the star. - [Chuckles]
[Sighs]
[Gasping, Moaning]
[Spits]
[Moaning Continues]
[Loud Grunt]
M? Is that you?
Don't screw around. It's not cool.
- [Grunts] - [Hisses]
- [Whimpering] - [Grunting]
- [Loud, High-pitched Beeping] - [Whimpering]
Aw, shit.
Okay. What's the challenge?
- [Grunts] - [Beeping Stops]
Fuck!
- [Shrieking] - No!
- [Grunting] - [Screaming]
- [Screaming Stops] - [Grunting Continues]
[Both Grunting, Gasping]
[Barking]
[Vehicle Approaching]
- [Murmuring] - [Man Muttering]
[Muttering]
- [Truck Door Closes, Engine Starts] - Mara.
Mara.
[Drooling, Chortling]
- [Grunts] - [Groans]
- [Bone Snaps] - [Whimpering]
[Shrieking]
Hey, Neil. I'm back, yo. What, you droppin' a deuce?
Seriously, Neil, light a match.
- Neil. - [Computer Beeps]
Guess you're not here.
All right. Let's see what we can see.
Run. No. Run. [Laughs]
[Tapping Button]
What?
[Murmurs]
Aw, fuck. [Sighs]
Let's see. [Muttering]
- Well, this-All right. This works. - [Footsteps on Gravel]
Well, what's the ma- Neil.
I can't fig-This seems fine.
Great. You know, you spend money on film school just to-
- [Door Closes] - It looks fine.
[Grunting]
[Muttering] Input, output. Yeah, that works.
- Well, looks good. What is that? Nina? - [Engine Starts]
[Grunts]
Damn it! Neil, can't move! We're hardwired in!
- [Growling] - [Chortling]
What the-
[Grunting, Shouting]
[Muttering]
[Screaming]
[Screaming Continues]
- This is cool. - It's good.
- Going for another one, huh? - Mmm.
The only white meat. If this is what Armageddon's like, bring it on, baby.
Yeah, maybe next time you should search for a bib.
I'm so glad I ran into you guys.
Yeah, and don't forget who got you the nosh, dude.
You win the chance to get rid of that nuclear card, send it someplace else.
No worries.
- Hey, where's M. And Elena? - Oh.
Back at the river shooting the unrated version of the DVD.
I'll see you two later. Oh, dude.
I can't even move. I'm so stuffed, sex is gonna have to wait.
[Farts] Shit ghost!
- Ow! - You're nasty.
If you win, what will you do with the money?
When I win, I'm gonna throw the most outrageous beach party in history.
You're a cliché, dude. How about you?
Well, when I win, I plan on getting my degree in sports medicine.
Since my arm won't let me play football anymore, I figure I can still help others.
You know, stay in the game.
Can't be a football hero, so you'll settle for a hero of any kind.
Yeah, somethin' like that.
Nice to know there's still hope for mankind.
Dude, if you're sayin' this to get in her pants, forget about it.
- She doesn't play on our team. - Shut up. How about you?
What you plan on doin' with the cash?
I owe my father a bunch of money.
- If I win, I am free and clear of him for good. - Your father?
He doesn't approve of my lifestyle.
Wants nothing to do with me.
Hmm. I guess you can't choose family.
[Chuckles] Man, M. Is so screwed.
He wanted a show for Middle America, but he hired a lesbo....
a sensitive jock, a bipolar vegan...
an extreme fuck-up and Miss Hollywood.
Dude, we're the red-state cast from hell.
- [All Laughing] - Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Yo, Nina. - [Nina Panting]
- You all right, Nina? - [Groaning] Mara's.... Dead.
- What happened to you? - We have to get out of here- now.
- What? - They killed her!
- Hey, look. Calm down. - They'll find us here!
Take a deep breath. Who will find us here? What are you talkin' about?
These hillbilly freaks! They killed Mara....
and they tied her to the hood of their truck!
We have to get out of here right now!
- This is awesome! - What is wrong with you?
- I'm not kidding! - Come on. It's part of the game.
- Post-apocalyptic crazies roaming through the forest. - It's not a game, okay?
These hillbillies were eating her finger!
Hillbilly cannibals. M. Is a genius.
- Stop laughing! - Yo, stop laughing, man, okay? Hold on.
It's Mara. She's M.'s girlfriend. She was in on it. I got this.
What you saw was special effects.
What I saw was real!
We need to get out of here now!
- Please. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're going.
This is just a test to see if we bug out.
These kind of shows always screw with their contestants.
You guys wanna go, go ahead. I'm stayin' put and winnin' the hundred G's.
- Then they'll kill you too, man. - [Screams]
- What? - [Nina Screams]
No!
[Jake] Nina? Nina!
- Get the fuck- - That-That's Kimberly's tattoo.
Holy shit. That's her leg.
That's it. Game's over. Amber, let's go.
Come on.
Jonesy!
- They're fucking cannibals, dude. - Shut up.
- Where the hell's the RV? - Just over the ridge.
- Keep quiet and keep moving. - I ain't stoppin'.
[Screams] My foot!
- Let me look at it. - I'm a shark, man. I gotta keep moving, or I die.
- Shut the fuck up. - You guys get to the R. V.
We'll be right behind you.
- This is gonna suck. - Oh, shit!
I need to put pressure on that.
- Come on. Give me your wristband. - No!
Look, you don't have to hide anymore.
How'd you know?
When I found out I'd never play football again, I spiraled down pretty hard.
My therapist told me I should sit in one of her suicide support groups.
You know, give me a better perspective.
There was a girl that used to do the same thing, only she used a bandana.
- So how old is the scar? - About six months.
What happened?
I just trusted too many of the wrong people.... All my life.
- But I'm past it now. - So it's old news?
[Winces] Why do you think I came to win this game?
Guess you'll get your chance to do just that.
[Flies Buzzing]
[Door Closes]
You so much as fart, old man, and I'll drop you.
Don't kill me, brother. I'm a good Christian man.
- Shit. Are you sure? - Yeah. This was the place.
Here are the tire tracks, the empty equipment cases, the garbage.
This is so f-ed in the A.
- [Gasps] The fucking RV. Is gone! - Let's just keep going!
- We're dead meat. - Where to? The nearest town is 50 miles away.
We're all gonna end up hillbilly barbecue.
- I'm not gonna tell you again. Keep quiet! - Just come on.
- There's that old paper mill out by the main road. - It's abandoned.
- We gotta dig in somewhere. - Maybe there's a public phone.
Dude, you know why they call it abandoned? 'Cause there's nothing in it, including phones!
- Hey! - Don't hurt me!
That's a bear trap. There's no animals around here.
Why do they have a fucking bear trap set?
They're not trapping bears. They're trapping people.
There's no wildlife to eat around here. They're eating us.
Okay, I was wrong. Paper mill's a great idea. Let's just get outta here.
No, no, no. Look, man, if we take the road, we're sitting ducks, all right?
So I want everyone to stick together and watch where you step.
Yeah, no shit.
Yeah.
[Groans]
[Gasping]
Who you blowin' up, old-timer?
Oh, just the trout.
Only way to bring 'em to the surface.
Dynamite stuns 'em.
Then they float like lily pads, and I just scoop 'em up.
Pretty wife.
Yeah, that's my Delilah. Gave me the happiest days of my life.
God bless her soul.
You know, you one lucky son of a bitch.
Lotta folk go in them woods. Never seen one come out.
I stay clear of them myself.
How many of those freaks are out there?
Hard to know. More than the ones you run across. That's for sure.
What are they?
Oh, just like you and me, brother, 'cept uglier....
and a lot stronger.
Hey, I hit one of them young'uns once in my pickup.
He popped up and just kept goin'.
- [Groans] - It's the chemicals changed 'em.
Pulp mill shut down near 30 years ago...
and left a mess.
And the poison killed off all the game.
Most folks 'round these parts left.
There's one family that stayed on in this holler....
and pretty soon their babies started gushin' out of their mama's womb....
just as ugly as them trout I got hangin' out there.
[Laughs, Mutters]
And then they grow up, have kids of their own.
Turned out even worse.
You gonna stay for a bite?
Fish is ugly, but they fry up real good.
No. Much obliged, but I gotta get goin'.
Well, if you're gonna head out to get your friends, settle the score....
best jump to it before it gets dark.
You don't wanna be out in them woods at night.
Why do you stay, old-timer?
Well, I could never leave.
Gotta stay close to my young'uns.
You motherfucker! I gonna kill you, man!
[Shouts] You killed my boy!
[Shouting Continues] I'm gonna kill you!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you, motherfucker!
I'll kill you! [Groaning]
[Shouting, Muffled] Motherfucker! I'm sure 'nough gonna kill you!
I'll get you! I'll teach you to mess with my kids!
Say hello to the missus for me.
[Rifle Clatters]
- [Woman Screaming, Grunting] - [Man Grunting]
[Screaming, Grunting Continue]
[Nina] It's one of them.
- It's Elena. - Yeah? What makes you think that?
- [Grunting] - [Screaming]
Hey!
[Screaming Continues]
Get off her!
- Oh, my God. - [Screaming]
- Nina, wait! - [Grunts]
- [Grunting] - Oh, shit.
[Whimpers]
[Panting]
[Screams]
[Shrieking]
[Jake] Come on! Come on!
[Shrieks]
- [Shrieks] - [Neck Snaps] - [Grunts]
[Growling]
Help me!
[Whimpering]
[Laughing, Sobbing]
[Screaming] Help!
- Where's Nina? - She deserted us.
[Muttering]
- Son of a bitch! - Just keep moving.
Look, split up. I'll find Nina.
- We'll meet up at the mill. Go! - Okay.
- Nina! - [Nina] Help me! Help me!
- Nina? - Help me!
- [Jake] Nina? - I'm.... Down here.
Nina? Are you okay?
We gotta get you out of there, all right?
Look, come on. Come on, Nina.
[Grunting] I can't reach.
- Come on, Nina! - [Whimpers]
Almost.
- [Grunting] - Okay, hold on.
- [Straining] I've got you now. I've got you. - [Screams]
- [Bone Snaps] - [Groaning]
[Grunting]
- Try a little right- - [Grunting]
[Grunting, Panting]
- [Whimpers, Panting] - What happened?
It's my shoulder. It's dislocated. You gotta help me pop it in.
Ah, no, Nina! Easy! Okay, pull and twist, okay?
- Go. [Groaning] - [Joint Snapping]
Help me up. Nina. [Grunting]
- It's like going to war. - [Grunting]
- Amber, Jonesy- Did they make it? - We all made it.
- We'll meet up with them at the mill, okay? - [Vehicle Approaching]
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go!
Come on, Nina.
[Gunshot]
[Giggling]
- Let's go. - Where?
Shit! Shit! Shit!
[Panting] You-You totally kicked ass back there.
I'm serious. You were, like, Xena, Warrior Princess.
You were right. I was a total asshole before.
I'm never gonna dis you or any other female ever again.
- Great. - It's cool. We outran 'em.
- [Twig Snaps] - Run.
Ow! Ow!
- Come on. - [Groaning]
- Oh, shit. - Come on!
[Grunts]
Just-There.
Oh, my God! [Screams]
- Jonesy! - Help me! Help me!
Amber! Amber, help me!
- Jonesy! - Get me down! Get me down! Oh, no! Oh!
[Whimpering] Amber! Amber, help me!
Christ! Oh! Oh, God! Hurry, Amber!
He's coming! He's com-
- Amber? Amber, go! - No!
- Amber, don't do this! Get away! - I'm not leaving you!
Go! Run! No! Amber, no!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- [Gasps] - Amber?
- [Gasping] - Jonesy!
[Groaning]
- [Laughing] - Jonesy!
Give me your hand!
[Grunting, Laughing]
[Mutters]
[Laughing]
- Huh? - [Mutters]
[Laughing]
[Amber] Don't look down.
[Jonesy Whimpering]
I'm here.
Amber, I'm scared.
[Amber] You're not alone.
All right. I'm gonna get us out of here.
[Gasps] You know, my mother always used to say I'd live forev-
[Laughing, Slurping]
[Groaning]
[Shouts]
- There it is. - Jonesy wasn't kidding. - [Drooling, Chortling]
This place is dead.
"Birth defects." No shit.
Can't see anything. How the hell are we gonna find 'em in here?
Let Amber and Jonesy find us.
- Where'd you get that? - I brought it with me for the game.
- I thought it might come in handy. - That's cheating.
Sue me.
You think they're up there? Maybe they found a C.B. Radio, called for help.
I guess I'll go first.
Be careful.
- They gotta be around here somewhere. - [Picks Up Phone]
If they even made it here at all.
Come on, guys. Where you at?
[Screams] Oh, my God.
- She was just a little girl. - Looks like she's been in there forever.
- She's hiding. - Yeah, but from whom?
- This isn't right. - [Vehicle Approaching]
- Nina, no! Nina! No, Nina! - [Shouts]
- Too late! We've gotta get out of here now! - No! No, Nina!
We cannot leave them, okay? Let's go.
Look, there's the RV. I don't see 'em.
Oh, Jesus. This family's been doing this for decades.
[Man Screaming]
Oh, my God! That sounds like M. Screaming.
Okay, I'm going down there.
[Screaming Continues]
No, no, no, no. Hold this.
- [Screaming Continues] - Shit. You got my back?
[Grunts]
- [Michael] Somebody! Please! - M? M?
Come on. Come on. Come on! Fuck!
- Fuck face! - M!
Get me the fuck out of here!
- Fuck! Get me the fuck- - [Giggles]
[Gasps]
[Muffled Screaming]
[Michael Continues Shouting]
- M? - Get me the fuck out!
Help me, please! God, help! Please don't!
- M? - Please!
[Screaming]
[Choking, Gurgling]
Oh! M! Nina, it's a trap!
[Neck Snapping]
[Grunts] Oh, shit!
Shit.
[Grunts]
- [Loud Pounding] - ## [Woman Humming]
[Man on TV] Do you have moral rottenness?
[TVContinues, Indistinct]
Brothers and sisters, you must know...
that we live in a world of technology.
- [TVContinues, Indistinct] - [Gasps]
[Man on TVContinues] ... engaging in extracurricular sexuality...
homosexuality.
[TVContinues, Indistinct]
No! [Screams]
Will it be heaven or hell that you decide on?
- This is the crossroad- - [Flies Buzzing]
- Do you take the turn for heaven... - [Whimpering]
Or do you take the wrong turn to hell?
- [TVContinues, Indistinct] - [Mutters]
[Grunts]
It's what you need to find your way.
- [Mutters] - It's what you need to find that light.
Stay away from the darkness. Do not take a wrong turn-
... to living a life of sin, of personal destruction-
[Gasps]
Here I have the book that will save your life-
[TVContinues, Indistinct]
- [Grunting] - [Gasps]
- [Rattling Cage] - [Grunting]
Living a life of sin will only lead-
- [Hammer Clicks] - [Gasps]
[Laughing]
Fuck you!
[Grunts]
[Jake] Don't do it! Leave her alone!
[Flies Buzzing]
[Nina Groaning]
[Groaning]
[Screaming]
Leave her alone! Leave her alone!
[Screams, Gasps]
[Coughing]
- Stop messing with her! - [Mutters]
[Whimpering]
Stop it.
[Mutters]
[Whimpering, Coughing]
[Grunting]
[Muttering Prayer]
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Amen.
[Groaning]
[Gasping] I hope you fucking choke!
- [Screaming] - Leave her alone!
[Shouting, Pounding Table]
[Coughing]
[Coughing Continues]
[Footsteps]
[Loud Whirring]
[Groaning]
[Footsteps]
Please! Let us go!
[Groans, Coughs]
- Come on, man. Help! - Help.
- Help. Help. - Help.
[Mocking Continues]
- [Jake] Come on. Let us go! - [Mocking] Let us go!
- Let us go! Nina! [Pleading, Indistinct] - [Laughter]
[Man Grunting]
[Device Clicking]
- Help! Help! - [Clicking Continues]
[Jake] Help! Please! We're in here! We're trapped!
Please, someone, help us! Help us!
Fuck!
- [Clicking Continues] - [Jake] Please help us! We're in here!
- [Mutters] - Damn it! Don't leave!
- [Whimpering] Help us! Please help us! - [Clicking Continues]
Please help us! Please help us!
[Groans]
[Object Clatters]
- [Grunts] - This way.
[Screaming]
[Shouts]
Ooh-rah.
[Beeps]
[Gasps] Nina! Nina!
Nina! Come on. Wake up.
Nina, wake up! Nina!
Can you pull your hands free?
I need you to pull your hands free.
[Groaning]
I can't.
Nina, you've gotta try! Nina!
- Nina, wake up! Nina! - Shh.
- Dale? - [Whispers] Be quiet.
I gotta do this. Breathe through it.
Ready? Okay? Go.
- [Screams] - Shh. Shh.
One more.
Go.
[Screams]
Get up.
- [Groans] - There's an exit door through there.
We are right behind you.
Go!
Dale.
[Gasping, Whimpering]
[Gasps]
I want you to go find Nina. [Grunts]
- Dale! - Hey! Hey!
Find Nina. Go. I've got it. Go!
[Grunts]
Is that all you got, bitch?
- [Growling] - [Grunting]
[Grunting, Choking]
[Grunting Continues]
Fuck you! [Choking]
[Sobbing]
[Screaming] No! No!
[Coughing]
[Wheezing, Screams]
[Gasps]
[Screaming]
[Screams, Grunts]
[Screams]
Let go of me, you son of a bitch! Let go of me!
[Grunting]
[Jake] Let go! Let go of me!
- Let go of me! - [Screaming] Shit!
Let go of me, you son of a bitch!
- [Shrieking] - No! No!
[Shouting]
[Screams]
[Shouting]
No! [Grunting]
[Screaming]
[Groaning, Grunts]
[Grunting Continues]
[Shouting]
[Groaning]
[Screaming]
[Grunts] Come on!
[Shouting, Grunts]
[Both Screaming]
[Muck Sloshing]
You know you didn't have to come back for me, right?
Sue me.
Wow.
Nice ride.
You wanna take it for a spin?
[Sniffles] Why not? It's the least this fucked-up family owes us.
[Engine Starts]
[Clattering]
Mmm. Mmm.
[Cooing]
[Muttering]
[Crying]
[Man Cackling]
Subtitles by ARAVIND B [by_agentsmith@yahoo.com]